Stay in Your Own Lane: What Grieving Moms Wish You Knew

Child Loss

The death of a child is so tragic. Tragic for parents and siblings. The pain is compounded because we live in a grief-illiterate society. People are uncomfortable discussing death, and this can be extremely problematic for the grieving.

Gratitude and Hurt Feelings

Over the past 17 years, I have had many conversations with grieving moms. Some who are new to the journey and some very well-versed in grief. Many have expressed gratitude for the support and kindness they’ve received. I, too, have immense gratitude for the compassion and kindness bestowed upon my family.

But some moms have also shared how deeply hurt they were by others’ words.

I, too, have been stung by comments made about my grief. Some said to my face, others whispered behind my back.

Grief Is Unique

Most people are not aware that we all grieve differently, and that the grief process is different for each mom.

I’ve come to realize that while many people want to support grieving moms, what often emerges is a need to fix grieving moms. They want to take away our pain even though they can’t.

Please Just Listen

Some people have an awful lot to say about something they have never experienced.

(And I’m glad they are not part of the club).

Sit beside a grieving mom and listen deeply. It helps more than you know.

Words That Can Deeply Hurt Grieving Moms

1. Being told they won’t survive

2. Being asked if they’re over it

3. Being told to stay strong

4. Being told to stop crying

5. Being asked why they don’t cry

6. Being told to suck it up

7. Being told to smile

8. Being told to pull up your damn boots

9. Being told they look like crap

10. Being gossiped about

11. Being told their child is in a better place

12. Being told they spend too much time at the cemetery

13. Being asked not to speak about their deceased child

14. Being told they’ve changed

15. Being told, “At least you have a nice house.”

16. Being told, “At least you have other children.”

I don’t tell the mechanic how to change my oil. Please don’t tell grieving moms how to feel or behave. Stay in your own lane.

Yours in hope,

Denise