Navigating Halloween as a Grieving Mom

I felt inclined to write this blog for any grieving moms who may be feeling conflicted about Halloween.

Grief is individual.

I know some bereaved moms who love Halloween.

I also know some bereaved moms who find Halloween to be very triggering.

For some grieving moms, seeing fake blood, tombstones, and skeletons can be too much. 

The scary Halloween scream sounds some people like to blast can cause anxiety for grieving moms.

Seeing the candy displays in grocery stores can be upsetting.

The office chatter about Halloween costumes can be overwhelming…

Before Clarke Died

I loved Halloween! It was one of my favourite occasions!

My kids loved Halloween! We had a lot of decorations (some were quite scary).

There was a large container filled with costumes. We had some silly and goofy moments! (Sometimes my kids would put their Halloween costumes on when it wasn’t Halloween!)

So many memories! I remember Clarke had a friend who liked Coffee Crisp chocolate bars. (Clarke used to say "coffee isn’t for kids".) For some reason, he thought it was hilarious! Clarke always reminded me to buy Coffee Crisp bars for his buddy.

My daughter Caroline would invite her friends to come over for dinner, and we would have tacos before trick-or-treating. We called them “Halloween Tacos.”

We would always sit in the family room after Halloween, eating candy together and talking about the great fun everyone had.

After Clarke Died

After Clarke died, my feelings about Halloween changed. For a couple of years, Halloween was difficult for me.

Our first Halloween after my son Clarke died, our family ate chicken wings and fries (which my friend brought over.) My friend and I answered the door together and gave out candy. I had purchased the candy and hung up a few decorations. I remember being so sad. My friend was gentle and really kind. I was so grateful to have her with me. (Find your people.)

My daughter Caroline was 16 at the time, and she, her dad, and a very good friend of hers took Matthew (who was 8) out for Halloween. I was so proud of her. Then Caroline and her friends went to a Halloween dance. Her friend’s parents drove her home after the dance.

It was a different Halloween for all of us.

My son Matthew was very angry and upset the day after Halloween. Caroline was very sad and quiet. The atmosphere in our home was tense. They were missing their brother. Observing them was breaking my heart. I could not take their pain away. Sibling grief is often misunderstood.

Some people were very surprised to learn that Halloween upset me. (I try to educate others about child loss.) Sadly, people have a tendency to compare grievers. The reality is grief is deeply personal. You will find what coping strategies best serve you.

Something to Consider

1. Please remember there are no rules in grief.

2. Remember your self-care tools before and after Halloween. Exercise and endorphins, meditation, journaling, drinking water, spending time in nature, etc.

3. You do not have to partake in Halloween activities. You can change things up. You may choose to ignore Halloween.

4. If your spouse or partner is not bothered by Halloween, let them partake. I suggest you have the conversation in advance.

5. If you have other children, please consider asking a friend, neighbour, coach, or babysitter to take your kids trick-or-treating (your children will understand.)

6. Consider asking someone to drive your teenagers to a Halloween dance. (Grief can be exhausting.)

7. Tell your neighbours that you will not be giving out candy. Turn off your outdoor lights.

8. If you are worried about being by yourself, invite a trusted friend over.

9. If the office Halloween chatter is hard to hear, ask if you can work from home for a few days.

10. Please be gentle with yourself. There are very kind and compassionate people who will help you. (I know it can be difficult asking for help.)

Spouses Grieve Differently. Children and Teens Grieve Differently.

I found the first couple of Halloweens without my Clarke really sucked.

As my grief slowly started to soften, the joy of Halloween returned for me.

Being completely transparent, I still find some decorations a little hard to look at.

Please remember hope is powerful and always give yourself grace. Mommas you matter.

Yours in hope, Denise