Holding Space for Your Grief During the Holidays

Last night I stopped and admired the beauty of the crimson coloured leaves. I felt the gentle breeze. Autumn is here.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving Weekend which is just around the corner. It will be a busy weekend! I am thankful for many things. We will raise our glasses to Clarke and other precious people who are in Heaven. We will speak of our happy memories…

Looking back I vividly remember the first Thanksgiving without our Clarke. We were having a hard time with the concept of feeling thankful. We were deep in the trenches of grief. We were all hurting. All grieving differently. Sleep was challenging for all of us.

My boy Matthew, who was in grade 4, made some turkey decorations at school and they were on our kitchen table. Children grieve differently than adults. (They are able to compartmentalize.)

A dear friend stopped by with a picnic basket that had lovely homemade cookies in it. She knew we were all so sad and wanted to make us smile. She did not stay long.

I remember how difficult it was to smile.

There was a fall floral arrangement with a card that said, “Thinking of all of you on your first Thanksgiving without Clarke.” I remember reading the card and sobbing. It was a thoughtful gesture but at that time felt like another slap in the face.

I was angry. Our Clarke was always thankful. He was a naturally polite child. None of us wanted to do anything for Thanksgiving. We decided not to have a turkey dinner. None of us felt like attending any Thanksgiving festivities. So we didn’t.

We had to change things up and a distraction from our pain was necessary. Grief is exhausting. My big brother drove all of us to the Toronto Zoo. I remember Matthew having a terrible stomach ache and blaming the French fries from the zoo.

I now know how physical grief can be.

Matthew’s grief had manifested in his body. When we got home after the zoo, Caroline, who was 16, went up to her bedroom. I could hear her crying. I wanted to take away my children’s pain… We took fresh flowers to the cemetery.

I remember being criticized for not making a turkey dinner. People do not always understand how difficult holidays can be for grievers.

A lovely and kind woman from the hockey family showed up at our front door the week after Thanksgiving with a delicious turkey dinner. We ate the turkey dinner without the pressure of the holiday. I think of her every Thanksgiving. ❤️

Grieving Mommas, it is important to remind yourselves that grief is complicated and you are doing the best that you can. The reality is some days on the journey are harder than others.

Holding Space for Your Grief During the Holidays:

For many grievers there is anticipatory stress leading up to holidays. Please give yourselves permission to change things up, make new traditions, and if being around a lot of people is currently too much, politely decline invitations. Please give yourselves permission to feel your feelings. Every year is different. Some grievers may attend a holiday gathering for appetizers only. Others may appear at dessert time.

We all grieve differently and there is no correct or incorrect way to function during the holidays.

Our hearts are fragile and we do not need any further pressure upon us. Please give yourself grace.

Our second year on the journey we did celebrate Thanksgiving. It was awkward. It was hard. Of course we missed our Clarke…

Yours in hope,

Denise