Clarke Will Always Be a Part of Our Lives

I have chosen to share my very personal reflections and memories with the hope that they may help someone who may be hurting.

My son Clarke was 11 years old when he died suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep. He has been in Heaven for 18 years. Every year has been different. Clarke was a kind and happy child. He was especially passionate about playing hockey.

I would not have been able to write these reflections in my early grief years. My grief has softened and I continue to evolve. I have learned a lot about myself. I share memories of Clarke that make me smile, while also expressing how deeply I miss him. My healing is ongoing.

Bittersweet

It is September and hockey tryouts are in full swing. I am seeing kids with their hockey bags and parents with their coffee cups. My mind and my heart are flooded with memories. I smile and a tear trickles from my eyes.

I think about Clarke every day and that will never change.

Yesterday I was with Clarke’s siblings. His big sister Caroline and little brother Matthew. We were in the park with Margot (Caroline’s daughter) and Freddie, her dog. Margot is 15 months old. We are making new memories. Margot adores her Uncle Matthew. I couldn’t help but notice how much Matthew smiles when he is around her! It was a lot of fun in the park!

I tell Margot about her Uncle Clarke who lives in Heaven.

Once a week I babysit Margot. It is the best day of my week! We play with her toys, read books, I sing songs to her (I am a terrible singer but she doesn’t seem to mind) and we giggle!

When we are together I think about how much Clarke liked babies and little kids! I speak to Margot about Clarke.

I lift Margot up and I point to Clarke’s picture on my wall. I say, “This is your Uncle Clarke who lives in Heaven.” She smiles and waves to his picture! As Margot grows up I plan to tell her more stories about her Mommy, Uncle Clarke and Uncle Matthew.

Siblings

I close my eyes and I can see Clarke in the kitchen. He is sitting at the island in between Caroline and Matthew. Caroline and Matthew were his favourite people. The three of them were so close. They loved each other. Caroline, Clarke and Matthew were each other’s first friends. They encouraged each other! Of course they teased each other! They were each other’s confidantes. Naturally, there were times when they had disagreements, however they never stayed upset for very long. They all shared a love for playing hockey.

Their lives were so intertwined.

There was an age difference. For a few years they were at the same grade school. They rode the school bus together. Sometimes they would see each other at recess. They knew each other’s friends. The kids had jokes about school that they shared amongst themselves! They knew each other’s likes and dislikes. If something upset them at school they told each other first.

I remember when Caroline was playing high school hockey. I would pick up the boys from school and we would go to her games. Clarke and Matthew enjoyed watching Caroline play hockey! I always thought Clarke and Matthew would play high school hockey together.

Of course we all watched the Leafs! (Due to Clarke’s allegiance to the Leafs, I still cheer for them. Maybe this year…)

The white board was always in our kitchen. The kids and their Dad would sit at the kitchen table discussing hockey and using the white board lol. (The kids also played other sports but hockey was their favourite!) Hockey was part of our lives.

Caroline, Clarke and Matthew

I would walk into Caroline’s bedroom and she would be straightening her hair. Country music would be playing and she would be chatting with Clarke. They would be smiling at each other. Clarke learned so much from Caroline. Sometimes he would send her secret notes under her bedroom door! He loved and admired his big sister.

Clarke was the consummate big brother to Matthew. If you knew Clarke you knew Matthew.

Clarke was very protective of Matthew. He loved his little brother. They spent so much time together.

Caroline and Matthew have their own special memories of their brother.

I can see the pain in my children’s eyes. I know the love they feel for Clarke. I know how much they miss their brother. He will always be their brother. Clarke will always be a part of their lives.

I will always speak about my son Clarke.

I tell my son-in-law Dustin about Clarke. Dustin loves golf the way Clarke loved hockey! I want Dustin to know about Clarke.

Clarke’s Friends

I often think about Clarke’s friends. Clarke’s friends were always welcome in our home. It is such a gift when Caroline, Matthew, myself and their dad see them. I like to know how they are doing. Their texts make me smile!

I have many wonderful memories of Clarke and his friends.

His friends were a big part of his too-short life. All of Clarke’s friends were very important to him. Clarke often spoke about his neighbourhood friends. His school community of friends. Of course his friends from many years of playing hockey.

Matthew and I were having dinner with one of Clarke’s friends and he shared a hilarious story about Clarke! A story we had never heard. I was elated when I received a photo of Clarke that I had never seen. His friend’s mom found it!

The Memory Book

I treasure Clarke’s Memory Book. The heartfelt stories written about Clarke. The photos, the pictures and the poems. Complete transparency, sometimes it really makes me cry.

Some days are harder than others.

Clarke met wonderful people playing a sport he loved.

I remember when Clarke was invited to play some shinny with Caroline’s rep hockey team. He held his own on the ice! He was very happy when we went out for lunch with the girls. It was awesome for an 11-year-old boy to be on the ice with talented and pretty 16- and 17-year-old girls!

Clarke was in his element when he ran some drills at a few of Matthew’s hockey practices! Clarke used to bring a plastic horn to Matthew’s hockey games and blow it and cheer for his team! Clarke really liked Matthew’s teammates!

I enjoyed being at the rink. I would drink my Tim Hortons coffee and watch the games. (Jumping up and cheering often resulted in spilling my coffee on my coat.) I have to be honest I really liked the fries at some of the rinks!

With three kids playing Rep Hockey there were multiple games every weekend in the fall and winter. Hockey camps in the Summer. Mini stick games were a daily occurrence in our home!

I remember his final hockey season.

Clarke was the Team Captain. Clarke was competitive. He had a deep respect for his teammates, coaches, trainer and manager. He was proud to wear the “C”. Clarke was not a shy kid. He would speak with any ref. Clarke took the responsibility of the captaincy very seriously.

Clarke’s big brown eyes would light up when he spoke about the Waterloo Wolves AA hockey team. They truly were his hockey family.

I have such vivid memories. Memories of the players, coaches and their families. The strong connection amongst the players. I recall the goofiness and smiles shared between the guys! Their competitive spirit. Memories of sleepovers and waffles being devoured in my kitchen. I remember how excited Clarke was about going to the tourney in Lake Placid! Their team winning FOUR tournaments! Teammates in our home playing video games, ping pong, mini sticks, shooting pucks and telling jokes. Oh the laughter! Their team jackets and hats. I remember the smiling and silliness when we carpooled after practices. The jokes, pranks and banter when the Leafs played Buffalo! I will never forget our very unique Wolves cheer!

I so clearly remember riding on the bus to Sarnia with Clarke for a rescheduled game. The guys lost the game but had a great time on the bus! The parents and players ate pizza on the bus ride home. It was a late night when we returned to Waterloo. My vehicle had been parked at our home arena. The snow had accumulated and Clarke insisted that he brush the snow off of my vehicle. It was a beautiful snowy evening. My boy Clarke loved the snow. We were the last to leave the parking lot.

The players and the families were very connected. We spent so much time together.

Several of Clarke’s teammates went to school with him. When I volunteered at his school I would see him standing in front of his portable with the hockey guys. He would be smiling.

Clarke was so thrilled when we hosted the Wolves hockey team party! The players, parents, coaches and some of the siblings attended. It was the last hockey party we ever hosted.

Clarke’s Honour Guard

Clarke’s broken-hearted AA Waterloo Wolves hockey teammates, wearing their team jerseys, were the Honour Guard at his funeral. Clarke’s broken-hearted coaches, trainer and manager were with them.

They will always have a special place in my heart.

Grace

After Clarke died it was hard for me to watch Caroline and Matthew play hockey.

I have learned to give myself grace. I have learned to give grace to others. (I understand that some people are uncomfortable around grievers.) I remind others to give themselves grace.

Child loss has definitely changed me. Some appreciate the changes and some do not. I can accept that.

I am kinder. I have greater empathy.

It bears repeating that every year has been different.

My healing is ongoing.

Heaven

I have been told that the ice in Heaven is hard, perfectly smooth and flawless.

With gentle care,

Denise