My Self-Care Toolbox

(Gentle tools that help me carry my grief)

My feelings about self-care have changed. My needs have changed. Prior to the death of my son Clarke, I thought self-care was a facial and a pedicure (which it can be!).

I will be sharing self-care tools that have served me well on my journey. Our grief is individual – and so are our coping skills.

I now try to “be kind to myself.” When one is in the trenches of grief, it is not the time to revel in self-criticism. The coulda, shoulda, woulda will not change your story. I try to reframe my thoughts.

Giving myself grace is another necessary tool (it took a while for me to learn this). After many grief bursts at Tim Hortons, the mall, the school, and the arena, I used to berate myself. I know now that we “love hard and we grieve hard.” I remind myself that grief is complicated and I am doing my best.

Count your daily wins.

Did you get out of bed?

Did you shower?

Did you feed your dog?

Did you check your emails?

Did you make your kids breakfast?

Did you take out the recycling?

Progress is progress. Baby steps count.

Boundaries are also a part of my toolbox. There will undoubtedly be times on the journey when you need to say no – times when you suddenly have to cancel plans. You don’t need to stress yourself out trying to explain that you are currently on an emotional roller coaster.

Eating healthy food and drinking water (for me personally, trying to reduce caffeine intake). Loss of appetite or increase in appetite may occur. If someone offers to prepare a healthy meal for you – please accept!

I swear by the power of endorphins! Physical activity is a form of my daily self-care routine. I walk my grief. Sometimes I walk alone. Other times I walk with friends – and we chat and chat!! Physical activity is beneficial for the mind and body (if it is difficult for you to leave your home, perhaps you can invest in a walking pad or treadmill).

Find what works for you.

Last year, when I was speaking to a group of grieving moms, I learned something new about self-care: a sound bath. I tried one – and it was a remarkable experience.

I never stop learning on this journey.

Social connection, in my opinion, is imperative for grieving moms. This tool really, really needs to be in your toolbox. We can’t be alone on this complicated path of child loss. Having community is a necessity. Being among people who care for you, respect you, want to support you, and will listen to you – find your people!

Have fun! Even if it’s just a short visit with a friend who makes you laugh. Grief is so damn heavy – we all need a break from it. Distraction is required. FaceTime with a buddy if you can’t get out of the house.

You deserve peace.

You deserve happiness.

It’s okay to laugh.

I understand how some days it is hard to imagine feeling happy and having fun.

I promise you – fun is attainable.

Taking time to practice gratitude is self-care. Being completely transparent, I openly admit that I am not an expert on meditation. I use guided meditations on my Spotify! They keep me calm. Practicing mindfulness keeps me fully present. I smile more!

Did you know affirmations are a form of self-care? Find a cozy spot – inside or outside – and say some affirmations. Make your own or use an app.

It is easy to neglect our health concerns.

Visiting your family doctor is self-care.

Having your vitals checked.

For some grieving moms, medication for anxiety and/or depression may be required.

Grieving moms are all impacted differently by child loss.

The past couple of years, I have spent a lot of time in nature.

Sitting on a bench in the winter, wrapped in my cozy blanket, watching the snow fall.

In the spring, I walk the muddy trails and listen to the birds.

In the fall, I walk with my coffee – savouring the fresh air and admiring the colours.

In the summer, I enjoy the sound of the trickling stream, standing barefoot and grounding myself.

I am always happy when I see a deer, cardinals, or a blue jay on my nature visits.

Nature soothes my grieving soul.

Last but not least – my favourite self-care modality is sure to make all moms smile.

I have my own dance party in my kitchen. I crank up the tunes and dance up a storm!

It gives me a much-needed energy boost.

(I don’t think many people realize how exhausting child loss can be…).

Please Read This if You’re Struggling

My dear fellow grieving moms – if any of you are ever feeling suicidal or in crisis, please reach out for help. You are not alone.

In Canada, call or text 9‑8‑8 anytime, 24/7.

You deserve compassion without judgment.

You matter.

Yours in hope,

Denise