Grief Has No Rules: Reflections from a Grieving Mom

The best resource for a grieving mom is another grieving mom who is a little further along on her journey. Connecting with other grieving moms is always beneficial. You will learn from each other.

The average person is unaware that grief is multifaceted. A grieving mom will figure this out very quickly.

Grief is complicated. It can be extremely messy. Men, women, children, and teens all grieve differently. It is not easy when a family living together is immersed in grief.

The anticipatory grief leading up to the anniversary of your child’s death can be really hardcore grief. Birthdays, the festive season, other events… they may all trigger grief responses. Grief may challenge you like you have never been challenged before. There will be some arduous days and nights.

Grief is personal. Early grief can be daunting. For many, early grief involves reaching for a "port of calm" in a storm. There are truly no rules in grief. It is definitely not linear.

Anger, immense sorrow, anxiety, guilt, denial, shock, and depression can all be parts of some people's grief journeys. For some, their grief is mired in anger. There are no timelines in grief. It does not come with an expiration date. Some grieving folks cry. Others do not. Some scream. Some find solace in praying. There is no correct or incorrect way to grieve.

Grief can be very physical. It may manifest in your body. Head, neck, and back pain may be experienced. Grief is exhausting and can feel relentless. Grief has its own agenda. Grieving can be very lonely. Grievers are often misunderstood.

We love hard, so we grieve hard. Love and grief are tandem.

In early grief, some grieving moms need to speak constantly about their child who died. Others are private grievers who try to keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves.

Grievers will learn to navigate grief. Grief is an "emotional roller coaster." You may have a few weeks where your grief feels more mellow - and then it resurfaces and smacks you in the face. Then it slows down again. Grief is organic. Grief can greatly interfere with your sleep. For some, sleep is elusive. Some grievers cannot get out of bed. One’s appetite may be affected by grief. It is quite common for grievers to either lose or gain weight.

Unfortunately, others may have the proclivity to criticize, "should" you, or even grief-shame you. Your grief is your grief. You cannot outrun grief. Grief sucks.

Self-care is absolutely and totally necessary for the grieving. A little bit of fresh air can really help lift your spirits - even if it’s just standing outside your front door. Connecting with compassionate, non-judgmental people is healthy for grievers. You are allowed to feel however you feel. Your loss is your loss, and no one should ever compare your loss to someone else's.

It is okay to smile when you are grieving. Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to smile. It is okay to laugh! One learns how to carry their grief. Our grief may begin to feel lighter — and we may not even notice it. People figure out their grieving style. Grieving moms really need to give themselves grace. There will be extremely difficult days on the journey.

You will survive. Your grief will slowly begin to soften. Grieving moms are more resilient than they know.

Yours in hope,

Denise