August – A Month of Love, Loss, and Reflection

August is always a month of deep reflection for me. It marks another year since my sweet Clarke died. A time when the ache in my heart feels especially tender.

Alongside the grief, I also remember the love and compassion that surrounded us in those early days. Acts of kindness, big and small, came from friends, family, neighbours, and even strangers.

The poem below is my way of honouring those moments. It’s a blend of memory, sorrow, and gratitude, woven from the vivid images that remain in my mind: the knock at the door, the flowers in the living room, the meals that sustained us, and the cooler on the porch. These gestures didn’t erase our heartbreak, but they wrapped us in a blanket of love when we could barely stand.

Kindness and Compassion Enveloped Us

We were sad and in shock

We were tired but hungry

Kindness and compassion enveloped us

So many sad people

Warm bread was on the table

Food was in the fridge

A picnic basket was in the kitchen

Kindness and compassion enveloped us

So many sad people

Tears, hugs, tears, sorrow

Doorbell ringing

Broken hearts

We were sad and in shock

Phone ringing

Flowers filled up the living room

Kindness and compassion enveloped us

So many sad people

Tears, hugs, tears, sorrow

A picnic basket was in the kitchen

So sad but thankful for the kindness

Coffees were on the doorstep

Broken hearts

Phone ringing

More flowers

We were sad and in shock

Kindness and compassion enveloped us

Doorbell ringing

So many sad people

Strangers at the door

Friends at the door

Family at the door

Classmates at the door

Teammates at the door

Coaches at the door

Principal at the door

Neighbours at the door

Kindness, compassion

Flowers, more flowers

Broken hearts

Sad, but so thankful for the kindness

Tears, hugs, tears, sorrow

We were sad and in shock

The table was set

Another hot meal ready for us

A picnic basket was in the kitchen

Milk was in the fridge

Baked goods, pots of soup, homemade spaghetti sauce

Chocolate bars, cupcakes on the counter

Flowers, cards, photos, artwork, books, teddy bears

Broken hearts

Kindness and compassion enveloped us

A cooler outside

Delicious meals

Beyond exhausted, overwhelmed

So, so sad but thankful for the kindness

Picnic basket in the kitchen

Sorrow, cards, more cards

Kindness and compassion enveloped us

Why August Is Complicated for Me

Every year on my journey has been different. There is, however, one constant. Ever since my sweet boy died, August has been a complicated month for me. I know it is hard for many to understand my feelings. At times I want people around me, and sometimes I need to be alone. Healing is a journey. My heart will always be healing. My Clarke and his death will always be a part of me. My grief has softened over the years, but August still rattles me. It is my big brother’s birthday on August 18, my daughter’s birthday on August 20, and my son’s thanaversary on August 22. There are moments of joy and deep pain in August.

I carry my grief. I give myself grace.

Some refer to the day a person died as their anniversary. I often say thanaversary. Than is the Greek word for death. (I know several moms who refer to the day their child died as their angelversary.)

It bears repeating that grief is individual. There are no rules in grief. We all cope differently.

When Grief Shows Up Uninvited

I woke up today and my grief slapped me in the face. Tears trickled from my eyes. I spilled my morning coffee. I felt a pain in my chest. My first thought was: shi**y August.

I reminded myself that it is okay to feel however I am feeling in August. Grief has its own agenda. Some days are better than others. At times, August really sucks. There are also good days in August. Practicing gratitude is especially necessary for me in August.

Family, Friends, and Self-Care

The gift I ordered for my daughter’s birthday is in my office. My dad called yesterday to ask about plans for my big brother’s birthday, those will be happy days. I’m getting together for coffee with a friend this week and missing another friend who always comforts me in August. A friend who understands you cannot outrun grief.

Yesterday morning, I went to the Elora Gorge for much needed self care. I saw families picnicking, rafting, laughing, smiling, and embracing summer. I walked and listened to the water. I took deep breaths. I felt calm. I felt happy. I had a blissful morning. Nature truly soothes my grieving soul. It’s a go-to for me in August. After my walk, I visited my daughter and granddaughter. We had a lovely day.

The days leading up to the thanaversary can be exhausting. After work, I plan to walk in the park.

Every August Is Different

Every August since my sweet boy died has been different. Some Augusts it was so hard to breathe. Some Augusts I went to the cemetery every day. Other Augusts I cocooned, needing quiet and time to myself.

My grief has softened. I now think more about the good memories and the joy Clarke brought us. I remember with more love than pain.

August will always be complicated but it will also always be filled with love, kindness, and gratitude for those who walked beside me.

The next few weeks I will ramp up my self care. I will walk the talk and give myself grace throughout the month of August.

Yours in hope,

Denise